Phineas and the Beanstalk
by the zapdos
Summary: I wanted to write an original, realistic episode of P&F for fun to show my family. Phineas and Ferb are looking for something that doesn't exist. Meanwhile, Dr. Doofenshmirtz has concocted a new, hideous plan to take over the Tri-State Area. My first fanfic. I do not own the TV show Phineas And Ferb or anything related to it.


Phineas and Ferb Episode 145—Phineas and the Beanstalk

_Phineas and Ferb are watching TV in their home in the Tri-State Area._

_TV: _Hello! My name is Professor Tree, and I will be your guide today. The world we live in is inhabited by creatures known as animals. For years, humans and animals have worked together side by side. Some people play with animals, others battle with them. In fact, sometimes it is rumored that animals fight evil people who try to take over the world! _(A clip of a bear attacking a fisherman rolls, and a picture of a fedora is displayed in the corner of the screen.) (Perry looks up in the middle of the clip with a cautious look on his face.)_ My job is to learn more about animals, that is why I study them every day. Today, you can begin your very own journey with animals. Children, you can help me with my research in very special ways! I am trying to discover something that doesn't exist so that I can become rich and famous. If you ever find something that meets these qualities, come see me in my conveniently located lab. And the best part is, you don't have to have a bad pun for a name. _(Some kid with a goofy looking hat holds up a bottle of ketchup.)_

_Phineas:_ Wow. Television has really gone downhill. There is no way that kid is still ten years old after all this time. Still, what do we have left on our list of things to do this summer? Even though we have found lots of things that do exist, we haven't spent an actual segment looking for something that doesn't exist! Ferb, I know what we're going to do today! Hey, isn't it a little early to be wondering where Perry is? _Phineas looks at Ferb, as if expecting him to say, "yes, yes it is." Ferb just looks back at him._

_TV contestant:_ Yes. Yes it is. _ (Announcer) _Congratulations! You've just won a million dollars! What will you do now? _(Contestant)_ I'm giving it all to charity! _(Announcer whispers discreetly to cameraman)_ That's really boring, how are the ratings looking? _(Cameraman)_ Not well. _(Announcer turns back to the audience)_ Unfortunately, that question was also a test, and you just lost your money. Better luck next time! Now who wants to play "Where's Blank?"

_Meanwhile, Agent P opens up the closet, holds the vacuum extension to his face and switches the vacuum on. He is sucked up the tube, up the cord, up the chimney, up the leg of his chair in his lair, and pops into his seat to face the screen. Major Monogram is just sitting there, playing a game on a handheld device. He doesn't even know Perry has arrived. After a few seconds, he looks up, sees Perry and hurriedly puts the console aside and clears his throat. _

_Major Mongram:_ Oh, uh, Agent P, how long have you been sitting there? Never mind now. We have confirmed reports that Doofenshmirtz has bought over 200 lbs. of tomato sauce. Apparently he's cooking up some evil. Go sniff it out, Agent P!

_Perry salutes the Major and departs._

_Back at the house, Candace is seen in her room, still sleeping in bed. She sniffs her nose several times, for at that moment the boys' voices are heard faintly out the window; but she then exhales deeply, snores once, twice, and fidgets a little, but doesn't wake up yet. The camera pivots toward the window, zooms out over the yard, and the voices become intelligible._

_Phineas:_ Alright, Ferb. Did we pack the tweezers? Check. A bouncy ball? Check. Corn puffs and raisins? Check. GPS? Check. High definition precision camera with motion detecting capabilities and dispensable breath mints? _(As he lists these things, Ferb pulls them one by one out of his pockets and shows them to the camera. At the part about the breath mints, he pops one out of the camera and into his mouth.)_ Check. Awesome, we have almost everything we need to begin our—

_Isabella:_ What'cha doing?

_Phineas is interrupted by the gate swinging open and Isabella, the Fireside Girls, Baljeet, and Buford walk in._

_Phineas:_ Oh, hi guys! We were just about to set out on a long and dangerous journey, filled with unforeseen hardships and great adventures; then we realized we had to be back in time for dinner, so we just decided to stick closer to home. We are looking for something nobody has seen before, but in order to do that, we have to find a way to go where nobody has been. That's what we were about to go looking for.

_Isabella:_ I bet we could find a place where nobody has been. Fireside girls, pull out our history of human exporation map, and let's see what nobody's seen.

_Gretchen:_ It looks like the only places that people haven't already been is the coldest spots in Antarctica, Northern Siberia, and a couple of barren ocean trenches. Not very exciting prospects.

_Buford:_ Oh, oh! I have something we could try. We could use these. _(He holds out a couple of small, round beans in his hand.)_ I was gonna eat 'em for an afternoon snack, but now that I think about it, the guy who gave 'em to me said something about them not being safe to eat. _(He ripples to a flashback, and a little kid is cowering in front of Buford, saying, "Please, I told you, I don't have any lunch money! But here, you can have these, but they probably aren't safe to eat. Just take them!" And Buford ripples back to the present.)_

_Phineas:_ Ok, but what do you want me to do with them?

_Buford: _Oh, right, forgot about that. _(He ripples back into a flashback, and the little kid says, "Those are magical beans. If you plant them, they will grow and grow and grow until you can't see the top anymore!"_

_Phineas: (While thinking) _Hmm, until you can't see the top anymore. If nobody has seen the top, then that is the place we must go to see! Hey Ferb, and everybody else, I know what we're going to do today! Let's make like a tree and grow these beans into the biggest beanstalks ever, and then we can see where they go.

_The group all cheer. (Woo-hoo!) (Awesome)_

_Phineas: _Hey_, _where'sPerry_?_

_The corners of the screen are dark, as if viewing through a circle. Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated is seen in large, friendly letters, as an equally friendly jingle announces the name of the building. The view pans over to a window where Doofenshmirtz is seen standing around, talking to himself. Just then, he looks out the window directly at the camera and yells, "Yoo-hoo, Perry the Platypus! You can come over now, the window's open!" We see Agent P pull a retractable telescope away from his face as he chirps, obviously annoyed. He swings over on a cable tether and flies through the window to land in Doofenshmirtz's room. _

_Doofenshmirtz:_ Welcome, Perry the Platypus, to my evil lair. I know, you've been here like every day this summer; but, you know, I didn't know what else to say to open up the dialogue. Nevertheless, the show is about to begin, so let me hit the lights, and I almost forgot, here is your popcorn! _(At that moment, Doofenshmirtz presses a button on a remote control he's holding and traps Agent P in a bucket of popcorn.)_ Hahaha, pop goes the platypus!Shh, the movie's about to start. _(Doofenshmirtz sits down with his own popcorn, the lights dim, and the T. V. screen lights up.)_ It's a cartoon I used to watch as a boy back in Gimmelstump.

_T. V.: In black and white, the title _Das Stinktier _is written in gothic letters. They fade in a moment, and a picture of a skunk is shown hopping around. It bears resemblance to the Looney Tunes skunk. A field of beautiful flowers is shown, but as the skunk prances about, the flowers downwind of it wither and die in seconds. One of the flowers is shown close up, it appears to cough and sputter as it dies. _

_Doofenshmirtz: (Now Doofenshmirtz and Agent P are seen as if being viewed from the television set; their faces are lighted by the flickering images of the black and white cartoon.) _You see, Perry the Platypus, my latest brilliant scheme came to me while I was watching reruns of Das Stinktier and basking in the nostalgia. It was pure comedy gold in its day. Silly noises combined with people plugging their noses while saying, "Pee-yew!" is still wildly popular among young children. But then it hit me, like a putrid aroma, just how practical the power of smell is for evil. Turns out that actually, the aroma was just the smell produced when Norm accidentally mixed my dirty socks with the eggs he likes to cook every morning. You know, he always mixes the eggs in with the shells and they turn all crunchy and get stuck in your teeth. But I digress. Once I had realized the true potential of the mighty power of smell, I vowed to wield it in the name of evil! Oh, wait Perry the Platypus, this is the best part_. (Doofenshmirtz points at the T. V. and starts hooting with laughter)_ Oh, that's good. Where do they come up with this stuff?

_Meanwhile, back at Phineas and Ferbs' house, the kids are just about ready to plant the beans._

_In Candace's room, Candace blinks her eyes open, yawns and stretches, then stiffens when her arms are at their highest point as if an important thought just overtook her unwary mind. She squints her eyes and audibly whispers, "Phineas and Ferb." A tense moment or two passes, then she cautiously glances from side to side, and relaxes her body again._

_Candace's door flies open and she runs out and down the stairs, cackling to a "nee-ner nee-ner" tune._

_Candace bursts into the backyard, screaming, _"Phineas and Ferb! You guys are so busted! Oh man, mom is gonna flip when she sees you—_working in the garden?"_

_Phineas:_ Oh, hi Candace.

_Isabella:_ Hi Candace!

_Buford:_ Yo.

_Baljeet:_ Oh, hello.

_Ferb just gives her a thumbs up._

_Candace (A little wierded out): _Uh, what are you guys doing in there?

_Phineas:_ Buford came across some magical beans, and we decided to plant them and see where it would grow.

_Candace (half laughing):_ Really? Magical beans? Yeah right. Everyone knows there is no such thing as magic.

_Stacy's voice is heard on speaker phone from Candace's pocket. _"Really? This from the girl who believed it was the "mysterious force" that kept her from busting her brothers?"

_Candace:_ Whoops, Stacy, did I forget to hang up after talking last night? And why are you still on the phone? _Candace turns her cell off. _So, if you think you can get away with your crazy shenanigans today, just remember, Candace Flynn is on the prowl. PROWL!

_Candace stalks away creepily. The kids watch with stunned curiosity. Phineas is the first to recover._

_Phineas: _Well, now is the perfect time to add our growth accelerating compost so that we don't have to wait all day for it to grow. Let's go grab some snacks and it should be ready by the time we're back.

_Back in her room, Candace has already called Stacy back and is jabbering away._

_Candace:_ Yeah, they said they're growing magical beans, yeah I know right? I told them there's no such thing as magic, but as usual, they didn't listen to me. Well, I figure that since those beans are growing nowhere, I don't have to worry about busting the boys today. What's that? Of course we can hang out now that I know I have a free day. I'll be right over.

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated_

_Doofenshmirtz:_ Ah, good times, Perry the Platypus, good times. I could watch T. V. all day, but I have pressing evil needs to take care of, so that's that. (_He clicks the remote to turn off the T. V., stands up and stretches his back out, and starts moving to the center of the room.) _Now, as I'm sure you're aware, I'm an avid believer that there's no good attempting an evil scheme without an evil inator to go along with it. And I don't mean evil-inator, like in one word; I mean, after all, I sort of already did that when I built the Make-Everything-Evil-Inator; what I meant to say was an inator that is evil. I should have just said that and avoided this whole misunderstanding. Anyway, where I'm going with this is, behold! My new Make-Everything-Stinky-Inator! I can adjust the settings to any smelly thing I can think of right here, see? I type it into this keyboard, see, doggy breath, and then hit this button, and it will make whatever this dish is pointing at instantly smell like what I entered. Watch!

_The machine starts whirring, then a satellite dish shaped pointer on the top starts glowing and a laser beam shoots at Norm, engulfing the robot with a brownish-green color. Just as suddenly it stops, leaving Norm with a cloud of brownish-green permeating his immediate presence. Norm lifts his arm as if to sniff his armpit and in a cheerful voice replies, _"looks like somebody needs a bath!"

_Doofenshmirtz:_ Yeah, you're sleeping outside tonight.

_Norm:_ Oh, goodie!

_Meanwhile, back at the house, all the kids walk back outside and gasp at what they see. A beanstalk has shot out of the ground to impressive height. The beanstalk goes so high that the top is beyond the vanishing point, and the higher it goes, the stalk narrows until you can't see its highest point. It creates the illusion that it goes on forever._

_Phineas:_ Well, looks like it's time to see where this baby leads us.

_The kids all start climbing up its side as if they were all expert climbers. They kind of are, since they're kids. Up, up, up they go, until they look down to see how far they've gone._

_Buford:_ If I spit, I bet I could hit 'Jeet's house from here.

_Isabella:_ I can see the curvature of the earth!

_Baljeet: (Panting slightly)_ Phineas, I do not know how much farther these weak nerd arms can take this poor nerd body. We do not seem to be any closer to the top.

_Phineas:_ You're right. This would go much faster if we had something like….

_Suddenly the gang is climbing up in the highly unconventional vehicle they built in Africa._

_Phineas:_ This.

_Isabella:_ This what?

_Phineas:_ I was just finishing the sentence I started earlier, before we went back and grabbed the highly unconventional vehicle we built in Africa.

_Isabella:_ Oh.

_Meanwhile, back at Doof's place:_

_Doofenshmirtz:_ Now, for the final formula in my evil stink equation! I'll adjust the settings to skunk and spray the entire Tri-State Area with stinky skunk spray, forcing everyone to go out and buy tomato sauce, which is the only substance known to man to get rid of skunk stench. And where will they buy it from, you ask? They won't, because I already bought all the tomato sauce in the entire Tri-State Area! Then, when everyone is desperate for relief from the vilest smell in existence, I will come and give away all this tomato sauce over here, see look, it takes up my entire kitchen, I don't even have enough space to get to my pantry. So I will give it all away, on the condition that the people make me ruler of the Tri-State Area! Then I'll be in charge and popular too, for saving the city. It's foolproof! I am an evil genius! Now behold, Perry the Platypus, as I unleash my Make-Everything-Stinky-Inator upon the entire Tri-State Area!

_Doofenshmirtz pushes a button and is so busy watching as the roof opens up, he doesn't notice Agent P is struggling to free himself from his popcorn bucket trap._

_The kids have climbed all the way to outer space, and the beanstalk keeps going on and on._

_Buford:_ Are we there yet?

_Baljeet:_ How could anyone even know that? Do you think that just because I am a nerd I am a walking bag of answers to appease your every interrogative statement? As far as I am concerned, there is no way that a beanstalk with an eight foot diameter and a molecular density of 12.6 lbs. per cubic foot can even hold its weight when the height ascends beyond the atmosphere of the earth. I stopped wondering things like "are we there yet?" a long time ago.

_Buford:_ Well, excuse me for breathing. It's just, I was hoping to grab a ham sandwich by now, and we're clearly light-years away from any ham sandwiches.

_Phineas:_ Actually, we're just passing the moon, so we're only about 300,000 miles away from the nearest sandwich, not quite light-years yet.

_Isabella:_ I see a moonicorn!

_Buford:_ A what?

_Ferb: _A moonicorn. It's a unicorn that lives on the moon.

_Various members of the fireside girls squeal, "oooh"! and "it's sooo cute!"_

_Buford:_ Alright, we found something new, Dinnerbell. So why don't we turn this contraption around and head back for a lunch break.

_Phineas:_ I'd be happy to, but we've come so far already! Don't you want to go on and see what else is out there?

_Buford: (Still not convinced)_ I guess so.

_Music starts up in the background._

_If you wanna be a great explorer,_

_First you gotta walk right out your door-a._

_Just take a good look around_

_And if nothin's to be found_

_Well, then you'll have to do a little bit more-a._

_Don't give up yet, 'cause there's so much to see,_

_So go ahead and climb up that tree._

_Try your binoculars out_

_And if you spot something, shout_

_You'll find somethin', you just gotta believe._

_C'mon, let's make a plot changing twist._

_Let's find something that doesn't exist._

_Could be a space urchin or moonicorn,_

_What magical elixir's in his horn?_

_Might find a white dwarf star that has a beard,_

_Hey look, a wild Ducky Momo appeared!_

_Check out this view from space,_

_Hey kids let's have a race,_

_And try to find something that's new and weird._

_Check out this view from space,_

_Hey kids let's have a race,_

_And try to find something that's new and weird._

_Here's a few things I found that were pretty weird:_

_A giant black bowling ball,_

_A postcard of Danville Mall,_

_An asteroid shaped like a brick,_

_A sharpened popsickle stick._

_A giant floating baby head,_

_And a T-shirt tie-dyed red._

_But that's not nearly as weird as the other things I found,_

_Considering we're hundreds of miles above the ground._

_I found a dumpster full of candy bars,_

_It was headed toward the moons of Mars._

_We passed a robot guy,_

_A shooting star flew by,_

_Looked at the meteor,_

_It was a cheeseburger,_

_The last thing we stumbled on_

_While searching all day long_

_Was the lyrics to this groovy song._

_Baljeet:_ Oh, look, I have found the top of the beanstalk! It looks like it stretches all the way to the atmosphere of Jupiter.

_Phineas:_ Awesome. After all the crazy stuff we found in that song, imagine what awaits us on the king of the planets!

_Isabella:_ Uh, Phineas? I know this thing is highly unconventional and all, but how are we supposed to explore Jupiter? It's just a giant ball of gas!

_Meanwhile, back in Danville, Doofenshmirtz points at his creation and what it's producing._

_Doofenshmirtz:_ Look, Perry the Platypus, it's a giant ball of gas!

_The scene shifts back to the kids._

_Ferb:_ Actually, the gas that formulates Jupiter is so dense that people can walk on its clouds.

_Phineas:_ Yeah, as soon as we get there, I'll show you.

_The highly unconventional vehicle climbs down to a solid, yet cloudy looking surface and the kids disembark._

_Buford:_ Oh yeah, this is what Buford's talking about!

_Phineas:_ C'mon everybody, let's go take a look around.

_Not long after they start walking, the kids suddenly hear a loud noise and feel the ground begin to shake._

_Isabella: _What was that?

_Baljeet:_ It sounds like Buford's stomach.

_One of the fireside girls: _Shh, listen!

_The noise starts crashing louder and louder as the earthquakes become more violent. Then a loud voice calls out,_

_(Loud voice):_ Fe, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!

_The kids look up to see a giant Cyclops standing 50 feet above them, peering down with his one large eye._

_Phineas yells up:_ How'd you know Ferb was from England?

_The Cyclops stoops down to take a closer look at the kids._

_Cyclops:_ Well, for one, 'e hasn't got slick all over him, and for two, I could tell by 'is fancy accent. You see, I also once lived there, many years ago, but then somebody wrote a book about our kind and we had to come to this new place so that the good queen, bless her heart, wouldn't eradicate our kind. Now we live peacefully here on Jupiter.

_Phineas:_ Cool. My name is Phineas, and this is my brother Ferb, and these are a couple of our friends. We found some beans that grew into that beanstalk you see over there _(Phineas points the direction they just came from)_, which extends from our backyard all the way up here.

_Cyclops:_ Ah, the rare Jackudsenzu bean, a bean of mighty strength. I did not believe there were any left, you see, we brought all Jackudsenzu plants with us to make sure we wouldn't be followed, or so we thought, until you came here. Do you by chance have any left? Our last crop of them died before we were able to fully terraform the planet, and it was such a pretty plant.

_Phineas: _Buford?

_Buford:_ Sorry, that was all I had.

_Cyclops:_ No matter, if you were to let us keep the specimen you used for conveyance here, we would be able to replicate the plant and propogate a new generation.

_Phineas:_ Sure, just let us get back home on it first.

_Cyclops:_ Oh hurray! Thank you kindly, young man.

_Meanwhile, back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated:_

_Doofenshmirtz: _It's working! My Inator! It's working! It's—taking a really long time.

_A giant bubble is forming above the Inator, but forming slowly. Meanwhile, Agent P is struggling against the confines of his popcorn bucket. At last, with one final exertion, he rips through it and is free._

_Doofenshmirtz:_ You are too late, Perry the Platypus! Already, my bloated harbinger of doom is prepared to burst your bubble!

_Agent P grabs a nearby can of tomato paste and hurls it at the electrical outlet wherein the Inator's cord is plugged in, shorting the fuse and shooting sparks dangerously from the plug. The Inator slumps and stops whirring, and the bubble begins dangling precariously over the atrium._

_Doofenshmirtz:_ Nooooo!

_Doofenshmirtz runs over to a nearby countertop and picks up a mallet, then charges Agent P with the mallet held high. Agent P rolls another can towards Doofenshmirtz as if to trip him, but Doofenshmirtz hurdles cleanly over it._

_Doofenshmirtz:_ Hah! I'm on a roll now!

_As Doofenshmirtz attempts to whack Agent P, Agent P acrobatically somersaults to the side, dodging the blow. Thinking quickly, he runs towards the Inator until he runs out of space and turns to face Doofenshmirtz. With a yell, Doofenshmirtz charges again and brings down the mallet on the Inator, noticing too late that Agent P dodged at the last moment before impact. The heavy hit shakes the Inator dramatically, causing the large droplet of stink to swing a little too much, finally severing its hold above to fall splat in the middle of Doofenshmirtz's living room. Agent P has already run over the edge and jumped off the side of the purple building to escape, flying away in a glider displaying his face on the back._

_Doofenshmirtz yells after him:_ Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

_Meanwhile, Candace is just walking home with Stacy when she notices a giant beanstalk reaching toward the heavens from her backyard. _

_Candace:_ Oh my gosh, Stacy, look at that! I can't believe that's been there all day and Mom hasn't seen it. I mean, come on, it's huge! Why am I even still talking about-

_Candace takes off, sprinting to her house. She grabs Linda and rapidly leads her out back, running her mouth just as rapidly as her legs. _"Mom, you have got to see this, Phineas and Ferb have grown a giant beanstalk in our backyard, and, wait a second, I just realized, this story sounds very familiar, and-" _at which point Candace is cut off by Linda, who rolls her eyes and says, _"I can't even get this story straight!" _To which Candace replies, _"Mom, we don't have time for your annoyed banter! You've got to bust the boys!"

_They step outside and see that there is nothing of the sort in the backyard. Linda's garden looks exactly as a normal garden should look._

_Phineas: _Wow, we got home a lot quicker than I thought we would.

_Linda:_ Hi, kids.

_Phineas:_ Hey Mom!

_Linda:_ Why don't you come in for snacks? Buford looks hungry.

_Buford:_ Buford is hungry.

_Phineas:_ Oh, there you are Perry.

_Candace:_ Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to soliloquize.

_Credits roll. Meanwhile, in the top half of the screen, we see Doofensmirtz sitting up in his living room. He rubs his head, then exclaims, _"Pee-yew! It stinks in here! Uh, well, I guess I can put all that tomato sauce to good use and mop up my entire living room floor with it." _As he speaks to himself, the sparks coming from the splattered wall socket get worse until he says reassuringly to himself,_ "I suppose I should have known that I would eventually be using it all to clean my own apartment."_ The moment those words are spoken, the fuse shatters completely and the roof of the purple building explodes. The camera zooms in on Doofenshmirtz, who is now covered in black soot and has most of his hair and eyebrows singed off. Says he, _"Of course. Blow up in face."


End file.
